Introduction (social etiquette)

“ There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness—which is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. ”

“ The more agreeable and, we may say, humane side has its thousands and thousands of supporters, who believe that a friendly introduction hurts no one; but we are now not talking of kindness, but of etiquette, which is decidedly opposed to indiscriminate introductions. ”

“ To a great many people manners mean nothing but nonsense; but you will find that they are almost invariably people who never win social or business distinction.
The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are not, as some people suppose, the dictates of fashions. They are certain forms of address, certain conduct of speech and manner, that have been brought down to us through centuries of developing culture. And we observe them to-day because they make contact in social life easier and more agreeable; they make life more beautiful and impressive. ”

“ The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we [5] shall have skill and aptitude in their application. ”

“ How shall we use a fork? When wear a dress-coat? How and when and on whom shall we leave our cards? How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is the etiquette of a wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party? The young housekeeper of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall teach to her children; the miner's wife, having become rich, asks how she shall arrange her house, call on her neighbors, write her letters? Many an anxious girl writes as to the propriety of "driving out with a gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great universal question, What is the etiquette of good society? ”

“ Still, society has agreed upon certain more or less arbitrary ways for facilitating social intercourse; it has established rules for conduct on social occasions, and to a certain extent prescribed the forms of words that shall be used, the modes of salutation that shall be employed, the style of dress that shall be worn, and the like. A due respect for society, and for the persons whom we meet socially, demands that we shall acquaint ourselves with these rules of etiquette, and observe them in our social intercourse. ”

“ This is the worst sort of no-form. The social convention prescribes that the man shall take the initiative in requesting the introduction, that he shall seek the lady, that he shall be the person presented. ”

“ We propose to give such suggestions, in the various departments of social experience, as will advise the reader of the usages sanctioned by eminent authority, and of the deportment proper and acceptable to well-bred persons; and flatter ourselves that, if our advice is followed, this "Dime Book of Etiquette" will prove entirely competent to fit its attentive reader to move with credit and self-respect in any circle where a true lady or gentleman always finds ready recognition. ”

“ There are many situations and points of behavior that it is impossible for a book of etiquette to cover. The laws laid down are only a small social capital. They discuss the more obvious matters of social contact. Numerous points,—and these of the finer sort,—must be left without comment. In the treatment of these points and problems the person desirous of solving them properly must rely largely on his own good sense. One must apply to social exigencies the same methods [427] of reasoning that one applies in meeting the other exigencies of life. ”

“ A person who is invalided temporarily may send cards in answer to the courtesies of friends or she may allow her daughter to assume her social responsibilities. Usually because of the heavy demands which society places upon one she goes back to her round of calls, teas, receptions, etc., gradually rather than all at once. Friends are always considerate under such circumstances and etiquette never exacts more than one can possibly do. ”

“ Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after years of social intercourse. ”

“ Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,—to make clear the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy minds,—and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as [4] workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without instruments. ”

“ An acquaintance with the rules of etiquette is of the greatest service to all who are brought into contact with Society, and in these days few, if any, are wholly outside of the world of social usage and convention. ”

“ And we find that manners, or ceremonies, or respect for fellowmen—or whatever you want to call it—was the first tie that bound men together. It is the foundation upon which all civilization is built.
THE MANNERS OF TO-DAY
Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down to us from one generation to another. To-day only those that have stood the test of time are respected and observed. They have been silently adopted by the common consent of the best circles in America and Europe; and only those who follow them faithfully can hope to be successful in business and in social life. ”

“ One is judged first by his dress but this judgment is not final. A better index is his speech. It is said that one can tell during a conversation that lasts not longer than a summer shower whether or not a man is cultivated. Often it does not take even so long, for a raucous tone of voice and grossly ungrammatical or vulgar expressions brand a man at once as beyond the pale of polite society.
No point of social etiquette is quite so valuable as this one of speech. ”

“ Not only does it tell you how, but it gives you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of mistakes—and hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish.
The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. ”

“ Etiquette is popularly conceived as consisting of rules of conduct, rather than as the outward expression of the state of the heart. From time immemorial rules for the ordinary affairs of life have been formulated by superiors and have been taught the people. In all usual and conventional relations, therefore, the average farmer and peasant know how to express perfect courtesy. But in certain situations, as in foreign houses and the railroad car, where there are no precedents to follow, or rules to obey, all evidence of politeness takes its flight. ”

“ She would have us know also that "it is not the people who make small technical mistakes or even blunders, who are barred from the paths of good society, but those of sham and pretense whose veneered vulgarity at every step tramples the flowers in the gardens of cultivation." To her mind the structure of etiquette is comparable to that of a house, of which the foundation is ethics and the rest good taste, correct speech, quiet, unassuming behavior, and a proper pride of dignity. ”

“ The etiquette of the parlor, the assembly chamber, the street, the social function, is something all should know, since to be ignorant concerning such matters is to class one’s self as uninformed on many things that go to make up the sum total of everyday life, and to know and practice which adds greatly to the pleasure of living. The well-bred man or woman is always welcomed, whereas the person who has no acquaintance with even the most ordinary social rules is quite differently regarded by the majority of people. ”

“ Society is not necessarily too formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellowmen you meet every day of the year—people you come into contact with in the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarrassment and humiliation because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to know what is right and what is wrong. ”

“ In America, I have always understood that, on such occasions, silent laws of etiquette exist in all good company, which are founded on propriety and tact. The young give way to the old, the undistinguished to the distinguished, and he who is at home to the stranger. ”

“ But there is no instance wherein the laws of etiquette need transgress the law of sincerity when the ultimate purpose of each action is to develop and sustain social harmony.
Sometimes, for example, we invite people to visit us, and we pay visits in return, when both occasions are, on the face of it, a bore. Yet there may be good reasons why we should sacrifice any mere impulse of choice and exert ourselves to manifest a hospitable spirit toward certain people who are most uncongenial to us. ”

“ It has been written, not for the exceedingly ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct—sincere men and women who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with those around them. ”

“ PARENTS AND CHILDREN
THE HOME
The home is the unit of our social life, and just as the whole can be no greater than the sum of its parts so the standard of behavior in a community can be no higher than the sum of the standards in the homes that make up that community. If in the home one observes strictly the rules of politeness, which means kindness, one will have very little trouble with the rules of etiquette, which is simply the way politeness finds expression in our intercourse with each other. ”

“ But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and understanding. ”

“ That society is bad whose members, however tenacious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate ceremonials, have one code of manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by reason of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social influence, writes Mrs. ”

“ Consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built. ”

“ You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct if you do not wish to. Certainly not. You may do just as you please, say just what you please, and wear just what you please. But of course you must not complain when you find the doors of good society closed against you, when you find that people of good manners and correct social conduct avoid you and bar you from their activities. Good manners is the only key that will open the door to social success—and men and women often find that it fits the door to business success as well. ”

“ ETIQUETTE ETHICS OF ETIQUETTE Etiquette is the term applied to correct behavior in social life, and refers to the manner of actions and the expression of a proper social spirit through the medium of established forms and ceremonies. Polite usage recognizes certain minute distinctions between the mannerly and the unmannerly ways of performing every act of life that affects the comfort and happiness of others. ”

“ The time spent inside the house may be very brief, but even a few moments will satisfy the demands of etiquette, which without these would be rudely violated.-66-
Cards may be made to accomplish so much of the multifarious duties of society that one can scarcely imagine the social world revolving safely upon its axis without their intervention. Far be it from any to look upon the custom as a hollow mockery, for, without the system of formal visiting, or calling, society as it now stands could not exist. ”

“ It is not in order to shine in society that grace of manner is an asset; comparatively few people in a community care a rap about "society" anyway! A man of affairs whose life is spent in doing a man's work in a man's way is not apt to be thrilled at the thought of putting on "glad" clothes and going out with his wife to a "pink" tea or a ball.
But what many successful men do not realize is that a fundamental knowledge of etiquette is no less an asset in business or public life, or in any other contact with people, than it is in society. ”

“ To render social life as interesting, as charming, as beautiful as possible, to make the social machinery run smoothly and without friction,—this is their aim. Such people give quality to social intercourse. They observe the little amenities of life with grace. They know how to enter a room and how to leave it. They convey by the bow with which they greet one on the street the proper degree of acquaintanceship or friendship. They dress with propriety. They take time by the forelock in the adoption of new devices for the entertainment of their friends. ”

“ They hold a certain place of importance in the home—and it should be recognized in the social world as a place worthy of every courtesy and respect.
For those who are fortunate enough to have servants to help with domestic tasks, it is extremely important that the correct etiquette of servants be thoroughly known and understood. And those who serve as butlers and maids and valets must also know the little rules of good conduct that govern their duties and responsibilities. ”